Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
