cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My pussy is not your playground.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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