Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
