my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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