saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
