Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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