the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
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she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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