where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
