yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
