my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..