perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.