apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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