Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(718): View more from New York

he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

(1-718): View more from New York

I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

(718): View more from New York

the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.

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