I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Drunk is not a location!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
