How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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