why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
