my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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