using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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