did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Swine flu is the new snow day.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
