I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
