eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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