Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
