i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
