I don't usually arrange sex via text message
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize