capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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