I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
