for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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