i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
