i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Actions speak louder than pants.
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I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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