She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
