Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
