anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
