i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
