in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
