what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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