I wish I could teleport
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
