You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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