She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
