I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
