this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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