she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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