I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
