I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
