oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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