I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
