last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
