I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
