in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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