Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
