I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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