Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
