I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
