I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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