i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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