I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
