with your own penis?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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