I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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