I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
