oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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